June sixth two thousand seven

It's hard to keep up the real life and the computer apperances.
I've moved into a house of mac's and have no idea what the mac comandes are.
The end key takes me to the end of the whole text, sometimes,sometimes does nothing.
the little red buttoms sesitivity
makes me angry sometimes, i have to admit.
One button mouse, 'remeber when you could left click for spelling'
i fondly recall.
Really I just need a mac geek or user.

I had intended to sit here for a while, exspecting a friend to bale.
But he has not, so I must sign off, to watch a spanish flim, 'pan's labrynth' (again the end key did nothing, not even if you hold down the apple key, ba).
the night is gloomy and grey
prefect for a tale. don't you think?

things you shouldn't do

but contemplation is fine...

masturbate with your roommates electric toothbrush
post a casual encounters ad
sleep with your best friend
get black out drunk.

of course this is not a list to base ones life around
and of course I have done most of these acts
it is merely from exspirance that I warn against them.

At times it is the guilt that eats us up
a sense of repentance, maybe they are allergic to latex.
who know?

upon pondering laser hair removal and acid peels.

No I have not acid peeled my ass cheeks
nor have I lasered my ass hair.

Yes
my body is still ravished by the French
Traces of my liniage impossible to remove in their entireties.

This nose I bear as someone eles pride.
I Imagine it belonging to an accient man, who holds wisdom and power
soft gental knowing power.
My heart tells me he's cree, i see feathers and smoke
deep brown wrinkles smoothed by sun and wind.

My brain twitches out british possiblites
I get bored with british wars/cursades\generals
I leave it to roam and take the rest of me for a smoke
to contemplate here and now...

Again my heart beats
women
birtish witch doctors
old sorsory
with ugly dissheviled ridges vallies and humps of noses.
I love noses that tell long stories with ups and downs.

My body is a story
that i'm trying to remember
cellular knowledge.
mixed with big bang thereis,
makes my body the story of my coming here now
star dust universal knowledge, I am fleakes of pluto, mars, the milky way , black holes...
The french still ravish my body.

Good Morning

Hmmmmm, it's 8:39 am and here is what i had to eat so far
(i'm at work and have been up since 6:30)
1 spicy mustard and cheese and salami sandwhich
1 glass blueberry pomaganate jucie
1 glass orange jucie
3 squares french chocolate
hand ful of craker with cream cheese
1 mug o coffee
the coffeee is awful so i'm trying to make it stronger.
Thats a lot to eat in an hour, yes?

It's been a crazy week, I've been up at five, six and six thirty am so far this week and tommorrow will be up at six am again.
but my job rocks, I have friday off and I don't work untill wenesday next week and I just work wenesday and friday.

Things are new thanks for asking.
I went for laser hair removal and a acid peel this week
my skin looks better an dI have no hair on my neck and chin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feels weird not having anything to hide behinde
'oh, he won't like me cause I have hair there and am full of acne, then those thing are remorved and calmed and your just like fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk a cute person is looking at me what am i suppose to do quick pick up your book and look enveloped.
what am i reading this week you ask well if you must know I'm back on one of my favorites, this guy almost mades my panties wet almost I'm reading This Side of Paridise by F. Scott Fitzgaradled, I really love the langage he uses and the romatic atmosphere. and i could go on and on and on but who cares?

I'm also back in the bikram yoga studio, hot hot hot.
hot temperature
hot men
hot deals (five day pass $33 includes matt rental!)

And I have two dates this week
with some hot women i might add.
yes one day i will point and laugh and say
'my girlfriend is hotter then your girlfriend'
hahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahaha.

I'm going to see my favorite playwrites new play on thursday,
his name is daniel brooks and the play in Bigger then Jesus.
what eles? I got my garden planted but now i need the rain,which judging by this
grey over cast morning
keep your fingers crossed, the hose isn't long enough,
ya, that was my problem with my last boyfriend ahhahahah sexist jokes are on the loose. sorry you know I'm not like that, if you call me then we can talk about hormones and needs.

I should go i'm suppose to be cleaning and what not to wear is on at nine am.
love ya miss ya
I'll be home the seconde last week of July untill augest. if money startes flying i might jont home for a week end. yes you bastardes winnipeg is my home.
love ya and miss you,
julie

a tuesday morning poem

It’s cold here today, it feels like fall in Winnipeg,
though it’s spring in Vancouver.

With the wind
and it’s whispers of promises you beg it not to keep.

Memories scurry and scrunch in your furrowed brow.
Flashes of -35 for weeks,
bleak bland pale senery,
death a constant stagnant pulse, a rhythm unforgettable.

Red pain on flesh mixed with cracks deep like vallies.
Cream deep thick summer sented cream, salve of the gods.
Please offer soothing sadisfation upon contact.

I ask the same of many, objects.


These word juttered through my morning coffee upon the balcony.

I'm gonna try to post some pictures.
I'm vain so some will be of me.
I went to Victoria this week end so the water photos are from there.
lets give it a go.

well i tryed and the computer couldn't find the path though i could see it quit clearly with my eyes.
one day I promise one day.

Victoria was great lots o hippies.
there was ten of us sleeping in a three bedroom, welcome to the west coast where no one can afford to live alone or under normal living space guide lines and if they can I assure you their social lives are quiet.

My preformance was okay, I lacked energy and am a little emotional about some of the pieces I did. I thought those wounds had healed or at least had a thick scab on them but they didn't almost cryed on stage. Yep.Last time I preformed in Vic. my pant fell down and I was mentrating so maybe crying wouldn't have been that bad.
I enjoy humiliation aspeacially publicly, why hide of faults, when we're so transparent already?
okay i'll peee try the photo thing again then get on with my day so maybe photos maybe not.
love ya j.
So i guess that worked
thats me on wenesday, the ferry coming in , the ocean and a painting i did, not one of the best I've done but now that I get the picture posting thing, I'll be sure to do it more...

I finally did it

I converted over to the new blogger
oh the new dash board is so high tec and smooth.

I haven't been doing much I finally started going to the YMCA again.
The following is taken from a email I wrote to a friend I think it might be the first
real stanza I've written in a while. I volunteered at the Independant World Slam Poetry Competion, fuck I've never been so overwhelmed in my life , I belive I saw 200 poems in three days.Poems fuck eah, as Plath and Blake roll over one more time. Part of me thinks slam is great for poetry, getting it out in the mainstream again and part of me thinks useing the word poetry is blastpham.Did I tell everyone rage is getting back togethere for one show at a music festival in California that Bjork is opening along with DJ shadow. I don't think I can go as I just started a new job. The goal is to make it to California this summer though as one wanna come\cum? (i'm listening to lovage, it's a mirical I'm not being more erotic\dirty) ramble ramble heres the stanza I'm hopeing to turn into a poem for my victoria show on feb.22...


Bleak is a river that runs constant and forever.
It dawns at the gates of heaven
Only to flow effortessly towards Hades,
It is only us dreamers that can see it.
Taste it's demand and hear it's raging.
Gifts come in all packages.
Though I prefer mine bare and quivering with thirst.

The last two lines are more for his and I's dialoge
though i like them.

I miss winnipeg well no I miss all my friends in winnipeg
the winter whether here has been such a treat plus 10 in febuary who knew?
Well I should get on with my day.
remember always I l0oove you.
julie

wow

I tried to blog once
but they wannted me too make a g mail account
drove me crazy, I rebeld.
But today was easy as pie, just click the old blogger button.
aaahhhh relive.Un like this roach joint thats makeing me cough.

Things have been off the wall.
I quit my job.
I think I gotta move.
but the projector oh the sweet projector. It hooks right into the computer, thats right all my favorite cartoons larger then me on my living room wall.
Makes a girl re-think hhuuummmmm.

I have three job possibilites.
And one other place to live.
Solutions come fast these days.
To those who ask.

May your journey be guided by light,
little j

I'm procrastnating (it's 2am, I need to be packing)

I'm going to my aunts farm in Sask. for the holidays
just did the day by day weather comparison
Vancouver with reach plus 10 while Sask. is at -14 or-18.
did I mention that I don't have warm things?
well I do but don't.
As per example, My toque, is a fashine hat, I don't think it repels wind or covers my ears... and all my sockes are cotton. ba I feel my east coast winter sheild coming on.

Things at work have sucked.
Yelling sucky.Yelling angry grrrrl sucky.

Things at home have been peachy.
Soft as in warm as in cozy.

I never promised you a rose garden but at least theres a pond.
Fuck though, those winter blues man,
they fallow you like pop videos and brands.
Regardless,
happy warm lovin' solstice everyone, it's my favorite holiday to get really drunk and dance and create, I will be on the bus and working for ten hours before hand.
So, your mission , if you choose to except it, is to party and cheer and laugh for me hug those you love and thank them, please.

May cheer find you, julie

what is the percentage of our society on drugs?
from tynol to extacy to prozac?
It seems to me finding a straight conversation is getting harder and harder.
but what do I know.

Hey guess what I learnt about myself?
I'm dylexic.
hahhahahahah, thats right I'm not a shitty speller, my nerto transmitters just aren't linked togethere 'proprly'.
I've always wondered if I was then a new friend of mine brought it up and showed me how
I spell and flip the letters around, cool eah?

I lost my cell phone and everyones numbers!!!
And I can't make long distance calls on my land line, I gotta get a phone tommorrow.
You can call me though call my cell phone and it will give you my new number.
Merry holiday,
j

okay just to make this clear,
I think Naturalism is the Grandfather of Existalism.
The two ideas are different, I get that
but both deprive their charaters of essance.


The Camus tittle is The Myth of Sisyphus: And Other Essays.

Ode to Zola

So this guy tryes to pick me up at the libra room on saturday,
here is the dialoge. I'll be 'julie' he'll be 'buddy'.

insert generic small talk here, bore yourself mentally for a few mins. take a pee break stare at the wall.

buddy:"So whats your sign?"
julie:'I'm a libra'
buddy:"Wow, imagine, meetng a libra in the libra room, that must be speacial."
julie:I smile like I'm ammused, then look at my girlfriend and
she says:'do you wanna go for a smoke?'
julie:'yes'
the boy notices that I have a book wedged into my purse.
buddy:"Oh, what book are you reading?"
I show him the cover of the book which is the real test...
in a few seconds he comes up blank, I offer a branch,
julie:'Emile Zola, Therese Raquin, it's by Zola the tittle is Therese Raquin.'
buddy:"Well it just so happens that I have a book in my back pocket."
he pulls out a book, it's Camus not the outsider but one that startes with an S,
the yamering begins is god dead or just outside myself,what is the purpose of purpose?. Before you know it we're comparing publicaton dates, I come to the conclusion that Zola lead the way for Camus.(zola was published in 1867 camus in 1937)
The man can not follow my idea!!!!!
And turns to talk to a stranger about sports.


I leave to get high,

latter he finds me clams he thought he lost me.

This story is lame I only wanted to say that I put it together on my own that Zola lead the way for Camus, Zola was a naturalist which was a backlash to romantisism which gave birth to exsitalisim.Which if I could try to go on one more limb I would say gave us the phrase "God is dead".

All in all I would like to thank Zola, for my first academic thought.

his boy was one of the cuter ones but my goodness.

nothing

A prayer to myself (internal dialoge part something)

you can't exspect someone eles to
save you.
to be your owe personal jesus.
it just can't work
it just won't happen.

Infacuation only takes us so far

lust turned to
companionship
turns to
stability
turns to
the next step.

They still won't save you
no matter how far in
the cycle you progress.

It's all up to you,
belive me now while we still have time,
please.

but but but I wanna belive,

.no.

fuck this city is full of crazys winnipeg only dreams of.

So I use to live two streets north of hastings on lakewood (and dundas)
this neiborhood was full of prostitutes, junkies, dealers, low incomes and young folks.
The most exciting encounters that happened were;asked if I wanted to buy drugs (by very large sketchy men),walking down dark streets with people out crusing for prostitues or drugs nothing too over the top yet not a sunture.Now on my bus ride home I get to wait for my bus at Fraser and broadway. I was warned about this neiborhood, I laughed I said

"ha I just moved from funkin' lakewood, fraser gansters are lame poor fools."

Well did I eat my mother fuckin' words tonight.The voice in my head told me to take the
bus to kingsway and wait for my fraser bus there.
It said,
"Oh ya stoned Julie don't forget to take the bus to kingsway",after I had already gotten off the bus and was visually stunned by the amount of people lounging in a door way yelling about scales and smoke. While the prostites to high to hold their heads/bodies up decorated the street corners.
"thanks voice" I muttered to my own subconciouse.
Crossing the street was un eventful.
I light my smoke aaaaahhhhh, after work nicotine tastes so good, fuck there is no where to sit too many people taking the transit not enough space (as ususal in vancouver).This man come raving up the street, askes to buy a smoke off me, flashes me a hand full of change, (this stunt is popular here, I have fallen for this a few times, it's usually by men I suppose to be pimps, I have my evidence, that will be anothere rant when it's ready) I porduce one for him, he holds a quater out flat in his hand, my instinc tells me not to touch this man, he clouses his hand fast and sneers at me muttering something crule I couldn't make out. He then prosseds to yell at this white gangsta,
"you fuckin' laughn' at me, this is not the street for the white man, you gotta get your ass out of here I don't like you, I was rasied on these streets and you gotta get the fuck out of here befor I change my mind, cause if I'm going down I'm takin' one of you with me."
At this point I'm in my safe bubble, white light all around me and I'm not looking at these people this is not my fight. Then bang, crazy guy has fuckin' suplexed, no it was more like a shoulder slam but with his forarm into the white guys back, while he was trying to walk away , and white 'buddy' is down on the ground yelling,
"You fucker, I wasn't even looking ect..."
ba, then crazy 'buddy'desides to start preaching at the rest of us about the morals and life teachings of his motha' all the while muttering about how soon he's gonna go down and he ain't going down alone.
Finally after my heart is beating so loudly I'm convinced the girl beside me can here it the bus shows up. I had lots of w**d and my rent money on me.
Fuck man I just wannted to come home from work.
The good news is I got a bike and I know the girl at the bike store (our community bikes!)and on friday after the store clouses we're gonna fix my bike, then I won't have to a)bus out of my way to be safe b)deal with the nightly crazy's.

I was trying not to live in fear because this city, like many otheres, lives in fear. There is always some story about this street and a guy with an axe or that street and the guy who killed prostitutes lots of that.But as I'm learning the violence is real.
cheers julie

aahhhh a day off in remembrance

oh yestrday,
luck, couisidance and random acts would
sumerize my yestrday.
A good friend showed up out of the dark rainy night
and saved me from another night of drinking in a dark whole with a man 20 years older and a 'friend' who thinks I should go for him.I've tryed on numorous occations to tell her there is only one forty year old for me and I don't date anyone older then 15 years.when asked why I prefere the older ones my responce of late has been. drugs, people of the older generations are not as likly to wanna do 'e' or rail prozac or use roofies to sleep...he laughted my friend when I told him this and asked if it was really that bad. I said, you have no idea,if you can get passed the video addictions and put up with weekend habits you'll do just fine...
A week latter he informes me that the new spark in his eye, has a weekend habbit, he can't relate too, my only comfort to him is 'at least it's just the week end'
It nice here. Sometimes I get these prefect moments, I'm so thankful for them.
It's so rainy and gloomy here it takes a while to get used to, we've had 40 mm of rain last week alone and this week we're in for 80mm, fuck ah?
It's warm still though, I can't smoke in my new place and I still don't put on a coat to go out for one!!!Are heat is also free so the appartment is quite warm, unlike my passed manitoba homes where if you were cold you just put on a sweater and the studio where you never took your coat off!!
simpsons now write latter j

if you knew him you wpiuld get t
Raul made me dance tonight with hiis turn tables and doubles...
his girlfriend is great two.

ba vancuver blurries
24th and main to 30th and frasser
feeling like an ep[ic
i jst wanted to sday hi....
jule

blah blah blah

hello,
I moved again, will type more when time premittes.
I am living with a computer again aaahhhhhhh.
Yes I have been on craigs list for a half hour oh it felt good.
My new rommate (one of them I have two a boy and a girl)the boy is also slitly addicted to craigs list. Fuck there are some funny ads up today. God I need a bike I moved way off the drive, which I did on purpose a)to save the money b)to see more of vancouver c)to bike like a demoned 365 days a year, yes thats why I moved here too to bike like a demoned. miss you julie

julies trying to write short stories again...

this is a short story i have started let me know what you think...

Somedays when i am feeling alone and unthought of I think about you.
I imagine you surprising me with a phone call, it takes a few words before I remember your verbal patterens and fluxes.
You ask me were I am I tell you Im house sitting for a friend, leigha, i can feel a chuckle on the tip of your tongue.
I ask you where you are you say
your house.

I laugh saying
i need to brush my teeth, can you come here and bring my toothbrush.

you laugh , it feels so good to hear your laughter i relaxe, let all the weight lift from my shoulders and give you simple directions.
ill see you soon
im excited
cheers
cheers

the rest I save for reality, for when this dream becomes my now.

Some people fantasize about wining the lottery othere about plastic surgury.
Would I enlarge my calfs first or get my jaw chizled i guess ill save the $10000 then decide, maybe i should buy a lotto ticket

I myself perfer the long fantacies of perfect random incounters.
Eyes glance, moments of recolletion taking heart beats to analize. Smiles creep from the corners of our mouths as our eyes say hello.
Weère both here alone after a long run of events that we can finally laught about, comments like
so, she finally left you broken hearted for the last time and Im sorry it took you so long to reolize you were being used.

Ya thats okay at least I know what if feeels like now, to be completly decived by a lover. You live you learn you grow.You end up aloneall the same.After years of reserch void of hypothosise. I have finally reached a conclusion.It is better to cry alone in the dark then lay beside someone you feel 1000 miles away from crying without sound, in fear of waking them and haveing to explain , this gap thats growen.

It is at this point I usually reolize that this is not the story thats going to gt me laid. I bite my lip, take a drag and glup my drink. Ill await your responce untill...
you reply-is it love that leaves us bitter or is it our inability to act as whole people in the face of love, something so pure that our humaness darkens it with a simple yearning.

I batt my lashes and fluff my hair
Whole person. I thought I had standards.How many whole people do you really think incarnate here.Im looking for someone to grow whole with, to understand the constant flux of two becomes one, one becomes two, the daily dance of the gods manifested here, highlighting the simple joys of just breathing insync with anothere person.

You enjoy me. You always have. We ve been having this conversation for years, dancing between strret corners and provincial lines. Tonight I dont exspect this to end or resolve its self. I d settle for no langage, just flesh and soft whispers. But between us this seems like a life time in the makeing..

the end so far.
...
I don;t know if this is a story or what it is besides that constant dialoge of my fantasies. im still on the french computer thats why there is no puncuation.which is funny cause the boy is the story spends some of his free time creating new puncuation.And our encounters are yearly at this point. Even when we live in the same city.
lots of time on my hands and you.
oh i think i did the impossible....
find a place in vancouver for less then $300 a month. cross your fingers for me, I need the excersise of the commute and the money saving . cheers and love julie

julies trying to write short stories again...

this is a short story i have started let me know what you think...

Somedays when i am feeling alone and unthought of I think about you.
I imagine you surprising me with a phone call, it takes a few words before I remember your verbal patterens and fluxes.
You ask me were I am I tell you Im house sitting for a friend, leigha, i can feel a chuckle on the tip of your tongue.
I ask you where you are you say
your house.

I laugh saying
i need to brush my teeth, can you come here and bring my toothbrush.

you laugh , it feels so good to hear your laughter i relaxe, let all the weight lift from my shoulders and give you simple directions.
ill see you soon
im excited
cheers
cheers

the rest I save for reality, for when this dream becomes my now.

Some people fantasize about wining the lottery othere about plastic surgury.
Would I enlarge my calfs first or get my jaw chizled i guess ill save the $10000 then decide, maybe i should buy a lotto ticket

I myself perfer the long fantacies of perfect random incounters.
Eyes glance, moments of recolletion taking heart beats to analize. Smiles creep from the corners of our mouths as our eyes say hello.
Weère both here alone after a long run of events that we can finally laught about, comments like
so, she finally left you broken hearted for the last time and Im sorry it took you so long to reolize you were being used.

Ya thats okay at least I know what if feeels like now, to be completly decived by a lover. You live you learn you grow.You end up aloneall the same.After years of reserch void of hypothosise. I have finally reached a conclusion.It is better to cry alone in the dark then lay beside someone you feel 1000 miles away from crying without sound, in fear of waking them and haveing to explain , this gap thats growen.

It is at this point I usually reolize that this is not the story thats going to gt me laid. I bite my lip, take a drag and glup my drink. Ill await your responce untill...
you reply-is it love that leaves us bitter or is it our inability to act as whole people in the face of love, something so pure that our humaness darkens it with a simple yearning.

I batt my lashes and fluff my hair
Whole person. I thought I had standards.How many whole people do you really think incarnate here.Im looking for someone to grow whole with, to understand the constant flux of two becomes one, one becomes two, the daily dance of the gods manifested here, highlighting the simple joys of just breathing insync with anothere person.

You enjoy me. You always have. We ve been having this conversation for years, dancing between strret corners and provincial lines. Tonight I dont exspect this to end or resolve its self. I d settle for no langage, just flesh and soft whispers. But between us this seems like a life time in the makeing..

the end so far.
...
I don;t know if this is a story or what it is besides that constant dialoge of my fantasies. im still on the french computer thats why there is no puncuation.which is funny cause the boy is the story spends some of his free time creating new puncuation.And our encounters are yearly at this point. Even when we live in the same city.
lots of time on my hands and you.
oh i think i did the impossible....
find a place in vancouver for less then $300 a month. cross your fingers for me, I need the excersise of the commute and the money saving . cheers and love julie